GUY: Hi Shaman. I have a rather complicated question.
SHAMAN: Love-related?
GUY: Aah...yes...?
SHAMAN: I knew it. Go ahead.
GUY: There's this girl, who I really like. But she has a boyfriend.
SHAMAN: Stop right there.
GUY: Why?
SHAMAN: I do not encourage people to go break relationships. You are messing with really strong bonds there. That's like breaking molecular bonds. It will have effects, believe me. The status quo will be disrupted, blah-blah-blah, you know...
GUY: So you're not going to give me shamanic advice?
SHAMAN: Just one: Drop it. Like it's hot.
GUY: But I'm paying to hear your advice.
SHAMAN: Then I'll return your money.
GUY: But that's really unfair.
SHAMAN: Why is it unfair?
GUY: Because you haven't even heard the whole question.
SHAMAN: Okay fine. Shoot.
G: So, there's this girl I really like, who has a boyfriend, and---
S: How long have they been together?
G: I don't know...four years, I think? Or more.
S: Okay, continue...
G: So, there's this girl I really like---
S: Yes, we know that already.
G: Anyway, I was just wondering if there is any, you know, secret, or special technique, in making someone fall for you, if that someone is in a relationship?
S: No technique. They're all the same.
G: What, women?
S: Yes. Single, in a relationship, married...it's basically the same game. The objective is to capture her heart. Beating, if possible. No, I'm just kidding. The only thing that varies are the factors involved, and these factors are actually hurdles to achieving your goal.
G: So you're telling me that to win over a girl who has a boyfriend, I just court her as if she were single?
S: Well...you court her the way she must be courted. Different girls require diferent approaches.
G: Yes, so as a general rule, what is your recommended approach or strategy for women who are not married, yet not single?
S: Wow, you're good. Are you a lawyer?
G: No. But I want to take up law.
S: Whatever. Anyway, since you asked the right question, I shall give you a specific answer. For cases such as the one you just mentioned, the strategy I would use, if I were in your position, would be The Jason Bourne Method.
G: Jason Bourne method? Like Mark Wahlberg-Jason Bourne?
S: That's not Mark Wahlberg. That's Matt Damon.
G: Oh...but they do look alike.
S: I know, right...Anyway, so you've seen the Bourne Trilogy?
G: Yes, sir.
S: Okay, so just remember the titles of the film in the order they were released...do you remember?
G: I think so. Is it Bourne Identity, Bourne Ultimatum, then Bourne...Supremacy?
S: No, it's Identity, Supremacy, then Ultimatum. Remember those words, a'ight?
G: Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum...Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum...
S: You don't have to repeat it, I'll explain it to you.
G: Okay.
S: First: Identity. You need to establish your identity. And your identity is: you are Number 2. The boyfriend is Number 1. That's why he carries the title, "The Boyfriend". So in everything you do, always remember that you are just Number 2. You are not Number 1. Do not make the mistake of claiming the Number 1 position, because you will lose the girl in an instant.
G: Okay, establish identity...
S: I said don't repeat it! Write it down if you want. Okay, so second is Supremacy. Once you've accepted the fact that you are Number 2, you must now declare your bid for supremacy. You will now compete with ze boyfriend for ze Number 1 spot. How you do that is up to you. Be creative.
G: Okay...
S: Don't repeat it!
G: I wasn't going to repeat it! I just said "Okay".
S: Okay, sorry. Well, do I need to explain the last? The third is Ultimatum. You give her an ultimatum. Like a direct ultimatum, properly worded to avoid any vagueness or ambiguity. You tell her, "You can either 1) choose to make me your new Number 1; or 2) you can stay with your current Number 1 but lose me as Number 2."
G: Wow. That's like really cool.
S: And the thing is, in case you fail to become the new Number 1, there will be no shame or dishonor. As long as you follow the Bourne Method to the letter. You put up a good fight for supremacy, and if you fail to win her heart after delivering the ultimatum, you just walk away coolly. Like what David Caruso does in CSI: Miami. Just walk away. Deep in your heart, you know that you put up a good battle. You know it, and she knows it.
G: Wow. Thanks, Shaman. I heard you were great at giving advice, but I wasn't expecting something like that. Excellent advice, sir.
S: High-five. But please, as much as possible, go for the single ladies! Even if you succeed in conquering the Number 1 spot, there will be consequences, believe me. There will be consequences.
G: Thank you again, Shaman.
S: You're welcome. That's five hundred, please.
*You can email The Shaman for any questions you might have about anything in the universe. The more complicated, the better.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
On Facial Hair
Q: Hi Shaman, I just have a really quick question.
I'm one of those guys who are blessed with just the right amount of facial hair. I can grow a mean goatee. Now my problem is, I look good with or without a goatee. Now what should I do to impress, you know, the ladies? Should I grow it, or shave it? Thanks.
A: When it comes to the ladies, it's fifty-fifty. Some women like facial hair, others don't. It depends on the woman.
So, if you want to find out what you should do based on that particular lady, ask her this: "Hi, have you seen the movie Lord of the Rings?" Most likely, she will have seen it, so follow it up by asking: "Legolas, or Aragorn?"
If she chooses Aragorn, then she likes the manly, scruffy type, complete with the dirt on the fingernails. So grow your goatee. And if she chooses Legolas, then lose the facial hair, dude.
You could also use a more contemporary example, like "Tony Stark or Bruce Wayne?" But if she's geeky enough to know Iron Man and Batman, then she definitely knows Aragorn and Legolas.
I'm one of those guys who are blessed with just the right amount of facial hair. I can grow a mean goatee. Now my problem is, I look good with or without a goatee. Now what should I do to impress, you know, the ladies? Should I grow it, or shave it? Thanks.
A: When it comes to the ladies, it's fifty-fifty. Some women like facial hair, others don't. It depends on the woman.
So, if you want to find out what you should do based on that particular lady, ask her this: "Hi, have you seen the movie Lord of the Rings?" Most likely, she will have seen it, so follow it up by asking: "Legolas, or Aragorn?"
If she chooses Aragorn, then she likes the manly, scruffy type, complete with the dirt on the fingernails. So grow your goatee. And if she chooses Legolas, then lose the facial hair, dude.
You could also use a more contemporary example, like "Tony Stark or Bruce Wayne?" But if she's geeky enough to know Iron Man and Batman, then she definitely knows Aragorn and Legolas.
Ask the Shaman: First Post
This question comes from a friend of mine, a guy, 22 years old, one year out of college.
Q: Hello Shaman. I have this question about a girl...Ok, so there's this girl I really like. I've been in love with her since second year college. Before I proceed, I have to tell you about this girl first.
This girl (let's call her Anne) is a really smart girl. She has this I-can-excel-in-any-field type of attitude. She's an artist; she draws well, plus she plays the guitar and she sings good, too. She's also good at math, and she writes poetry, and we like the same books and the same movies (meaning she's not corny). After college, we went our separate paths; I wanted to work, while she felt she could achieve more by taking up an M.A.
Anne is an extremely pretty girl, and a lot of guys have a crush on her, but there's just one problem---she is not that really interested in guys. I already told you that she is an I-can-excel-in-any-field type of girl, which follows that she's also the I'm-too-busy-I-have-no-time-for-boys type. Since college, I was lucky enough to be her closest guy friend. She doesn't allow males to get too close to her---except for me.
Now I've asked Anne out several times already, although I think she regards 80% of those as "friendly" dates. During our last non-friendly date, I asked her if there was a chance, you know, that I could be her boyfriend. She said there was, but she didn't sound too enthusiastic. This non-enthusiasm really bothered me, so I decided to ask her close girl friends if they thought I had a chance with her. They answered yes, and seemed to really want me to keep pursuing her.
Now the problem, Mr. Shaman, is that I've been pursuing her since college, and she knows this. But I really want to know how I stand with her. How do I do this? We are going out again this weekend, and how do I ask her where I stand without sounding like a loser?
A: By asking me that question, you're already sounding like a loser.
You don't need anyone to tell you where you stand. That's something that you can tell for yourself. You have to learn to be sensitive to the actions of a woman, because they are probably the most complex creatures ever created by God. Also, if you plan to marry her someday, then now would be a good time to start dissecting her mind.
Anyway, from what you've told me, you seem to be enjoying a position that most guys would die for (maybe that's talking too much, but you get the point). You are her closest guy friend, right? And I'm sure you want to be more than this. So what are the things you're doing to become more than friends? The dates are a great start, but you have to show her more. And don't act too cheesy, like sending her text messages professing your undying love and stuff like that---do NOT do that. Since you're the closest guy friend, start acting like it. Make people think that you are the boyfriend, even if you're not. It's all going to end up there anyway.
The only way to find out where you stand is to hold her hand on your next date. If you are able to hold on to her hand without her feeling anything awkward, then her heart is almost yours, if it isn't already. Don't forget never to lose your confidence. Chicks dig confidence. They're like sharks who can smell fear. The smell of fear turns them off. You have to exude confidence to up your pheromone levels a little. Be confident. Don't screw up. And good luck on your date.
*originally posted 7-11-07, at Multiply
Q: Hello Shaman. I have this question about a girl...Ok, so there's this girl I really like. I've been in love with her since second year college. Before I proceed, I have to tell you about this girl first.
This girl (let's call her Anne) is a really smart girl. She has this I-can-excel-in-any-field type of attitude. She's an artist; she draws well, plus she plays the guitar and she sings good, too. She's also good at math, and she writes poetry, and we like the same books and the same movies (meaning she's not corny). After college, we went our separate paths; I wanted to work, while she felt she could achieve more by taking up an M.A.
Anne is an extremely pretty girl, and a lot of guys have a crush on her, but there's just one problem---she is not that really interested in guys. I already told you that she is an I-can-excel-in-any-field type of girl, which follows that she's also the I'm-too-busy-I-have-no-time-for-boys type. Since college, I was lucky enough to be her closest guy friend. She doesn't allow males to get too close to her---except for me.
Now I've asked Anne out several times already, although I think she regards 80% of those as "friendly" dates. During our last non-friendly date, I asked her if there was a chance, you know, that I could be her boyfriend. She said there was, but she didn't sound too enthusiastic. This non-enthusiasm really bothered me, so I decided to ask her close girl friends if they thought I had a chance with her. They answered yes, and seemed to really want me to keep pursuing her.
Now the problem, Mr. Shaman, is that I've been pursuing her since college, and she knows this. But I really want to know how I stand with her. How do I do this? We are going out again this weekend, and how do I ask her where I stand without sounding like a loser?
A: By asking me that question, you're already sounding like a loser.
You don't need anyone to tell you where you stand. That's something that you can tell for yourself. You have to learn to be sensitive to the actions of a woman, because they are probably the most complex creatures ever created by God. Also, if you plan to marry her someday, then now would be a good time to start dissecting her mind.
Anyway, from what you've told me, you seem to be enjoying a position that most guys would die for (maybe that's talking too much, but you get the point). You are her closest guy friend, right? And I'm sure you want to be more than this. So what are the things you're doing to become more than friends? The dates are a great start, but you have to show her more. And don't act too cheesy, like sending her text messages professing your undying love and stuff like that---do NOT do that. Since you're the closest guy friend, start acting like it. Make people think that you are the boyfriend, even if you're not. It's all going to end up there anyway.
The only way to find out where you stand is to hold her hand on your next date. If you are able to hold on to her hand without her feeling anything awkward, then her heart is almost yours, if it isn't already. Don't forget never to lose your confidence. Chicks dig confidence. They're like sharks who can smell fear. The smell of fear turns them off. You have to exude confidence to up your pheromone levels a little. Be confident. Don't screw up. And good luck on your date.
*originally posted 7-11-07, at Multiply
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