Confused Cousin

I got this letter from someone today.

hey shaman,

story is like this. i have a cousin (female) and i love her so much (as a cousin of course). years ago (high school), she was in a relationship with a guy, they lasted for almost five years (till college), the guy's her first fuck, first kiss i think, first love, whatever. then before the end of the relationship, my cousin got pregnant, but both decided not to continue the pregnancy, so the baby was aborted. it was the most depressing part of my cousin's life.

months after the abortion, she called me and said she wants to live with me here in manila, get a job, forget about the guy and the baby (she broke up with the guy na). i agreed.

while working here in manila, she met a guy, love at first sight mode, courting for some time, then its official, they both love each other, despite my cousin having once-in-a-while depression mode coz of the past with ex-bf and lost baby, sometimes she's crying to me, and its hard to witness those stuffs.

after a few months of being official, she got pregnant again, with the bf na, and they got married, now the baby's 3 years old (girl). husband is working in bulacan while my cousin and the baby is staying in nueva ecija. husband visits them once in a while.

now, ex bf comes back to town. they got connected once again. and the ex guy invited her to meet him. she agreed and they went private. they kissed, cried together (coz i think they still love each other), but cousin said they didn't fuck. guy wants her back. but she said she's happy with her life now, with a wonderful husband and kid. but she texted me last night like she was tormented like hell.

i gave her my liberal advice. but im not sure if its the right one. thats why im emailing you. haha. this is just great. hope to hear from you soon.

best,
[name withheld upon request]

First of all, you might have a problem with your Shift or Caps Lock key, since the entire letter contains no upper-case characters. Anyway...


Your cousin should learn the law of karma. When people hear the word "karma", what they usually think it means is "if you do something bad to someone, then something bad will also happen to you". But that is not the exact meaning of karma.

Karma means that every action you do will have repercussions. And those repercussions magnify exponentially the more people are involved with your action.

So your cousin is presented with two choices: to stay with her husband, or to go with her ex. Now let's analyze both choices according to their repercussions. But first, let's identify all the parties involved.

1. Your cousin;
2. Her husband;
3. Her  daughter; and
4. Her ex

Okay. Now let's analyze the repercussions.

First scenario: She stays with her husband.

• The husband will remain a happily-married man, and he will get to provide a good life for both his wife and his daughter.
• The daughter will grow up with both parents intact, enjoying the care and affection of a loving father and a loving mother.
• The ex will be saddened for a little while, but he will survive, just as he survived the entire period since they broke up until the time he came back into your cousin's life.

Second scenario: She leaves her husband to join the ex.

• The husband will be heart-broken, and he will hate your cousin for the rest of his life. He might also give your cousin a hard time when it comes to legal matters, such as annulment and child custody proceedings, for instance.
• The daughter will grow up with a broken family. She will have strained relations with her father, and an even worse relation with her future stepfather.
• The ex will be hated by her daughter and her husband, and possibly by her family and friends. 

There. Your cousin can come up with other repercussions for both scenarios. Then she should weigh all these repercussions against each other, and choose wisely based on logic rather than emotion.

And one final piece of advice: once she makes her choice, she should stick with it, and accept whatever repercussions come her way.

Bridges

i have a great crush on this person .. and i found out that he has a crush on my friend that is very special to me .. and he asks me if i could help him to get close to my special friend .. what will i do ?? it hurts me so much :'(

Well, if it hurts you so much, then I don't think it's just a crush. You're probably in love with that person.

So your question is, "what will i do"... I don't like to force you to "do this" or "do that". That would be pretty imposing. Instead, I shall pretend that your question is, "if you were me, what would you do?"

Okay, if I were you, I would say this to your great crush: "Listen, asking me to help you is not a good thing, since I myself have this huge crush on you, and helping you would result in a conflict of interests. Therefore, I shall have to inhibit myself." Not only does it make you sound lawyerly, it shows that you have confidence, and are not ashamed to admit something as petty as a crush (unless of course, it is more than a crush).

Here's another thing you can do: You crush is actually asking you to act as a bridge, or "tulay". This now gives you an enormous advantage, as your crush will be calling and texting you, not your friend. Now, if you play your cards right, your crush will soon discover that his/her tulay is actually more interesting, smarter, more caring, funnier, sexier, hornier (and the list goes on) than your friend. Your crush will then slowly fall for you instead of your friend. I myself know of several instances where the tulay gets the guy/girl in the end.



*Another question from my formspring page.

Ask the Shaman: First Post

This question comes from a friend of mine, a guy, 22 years old, one year out of college.

Q: Hello Shaman. I have this question about a girl...Ok, so there's this girl I really like. I've been in love with her since second year college. Before I proceed, I have to tell you about this girl first.

This girl (let's call her Anne) is a really smart girl. She has this I-can-excel-in-any-field type of attitude. She's an artist; she draws well, plus she plays the guitar and she sings good, too. She's also good at math, and she writes poetry, and we like the same books and the same movies (meaning she's not corny). After college, we went our separate paths; I wanted to work, while she felt she could achieve more by taking up an M.A.

Anne is an extremely pretty girl, and a lot of guys have a crush on her, but there's just one problem---she is not that really interested in guys. I already told you that she is an I-can-excel-in-any-field type of girl, which follows that she's also the I'm-too-busy-I-have-no-time-for-boys type. Since college, I was lucky enough to be her closest guy friend. She doesn't allow males to get too close to her---except for me.

Now I've asked Anne out several times already, although I think she regards 80% of those as "friendly" dates. During our last non-friendly date, I asked her if there was a chance, you know, that I could be her boyfriend. She said there was, but she didn't sound too enthusiastic. This non-enthusiasm really bothered me, so I decided to ask her close girl friends if they thought I had a chance with her. They answered yes, and seemed to really want me to keep pursuing her.

Now the problem, Mr. Shaman, is that I've been pursuing her since college, and she knows this. But I really want to know how I stand with her. How do I do this? We are going out again this weekend, and how do I ask her where I stand without sounding like a loser?



A: By asking me that question, you're already sounding like a loser.

You don't need anyone to tell you where you stand. That's something that you can tell for yourself. You have to learn to be sensitive to the actions of a woman, because they are probably the most complex creatures ever created by God. Also, if you plan to marry her someday, then now would be a good time to start dissecting her mind.

Anyway, from what you've told me, you seem to be enjoying a position that most guys would die for (maybe that's talking too much, but you get the point). You are her closest guy friend, right? And I'm sure you want to be more than this. So what are the things you're doing to become more than friends? The dates are a great start, but you have to show her more. And don't act too cheesy, like sending her text messages professing your undying love and stuff like that---do NOT do that. Since you're the closest guy friend, start acting like it. Make people think that you are the boyfriend, even if you're not. It's all going to end up there anyway.

The only way to find out where you stand is to hold her hand on your next date. If you are able to hold on to her hand without her feeling anything awkward, then her heart is almost yours, if it isn't already. Don't forget never to lose your confidence. Chicks dig confidence. They're like sharks who can smell fear. The smell of fear turns them off. You have to exude confidence to up your pheromone levels a little. Be confident. Don't screw up. And good luck on your date.


*originally posted 7-11-07, at Multiply