The Jason Bourne Method

GUY: Hi Shaman. I have a rather complicated question.

SHAMAN: Love-related?

GUY: Aah...yes...?

SHAMAN: I knew it. Go ahead.

GUY: There's this girl, who I really like. But she has a boyfriend.

SHAMAN: Stop right there.

GUY: Why?

SHAMAN: I do not encourage people to go break relationships. You are messing with really strong bonds there. That's like breaking molecular bonds. It will have effects, believe me. The status quo will be disrupted, blah-blah-blah, you know...

GUY: So you're not going to give me shamanic advice?

SHAMAN: Just one: Drop it. Like it's hot.

GUY: But I'm paying to hear your advice.

SHAMAN: Then I'll return your money.

GUY: But that's really unfair.

SHAMAN: Why is it unfair?

GUY: Because you haven't even heard the whole question.

SHAMAN: Okay fine. Shoot.

G: So, there's this girl I really like, who has a boyfriend, and---

S: How long have they been together?

G: I don't know...four years, I think? Or more.

S: Okay, continue...

G: So, there's this girl I really like---

S: Yes, we know that already.

G: Anyway, I was just wondering if there is any, you know, secret, or special technique, in making someone fall for you, if that someone is in a relationship?

S: No technique. They're all the same.

G: What, women?

S: Yes. Single, in a relationship, married...it's basically the same game. The objective is to capture her heart. Beating, if possible. No, I'm just kidding. The only thing that varies are the factors involved, and these factors are actually hurdles to achieving your goal.

G: So you're telling me that to win over a girl who has a boyfriend, I just court her as if she were single?

S: Well...you court her the way she must be courted. Different girls require diferent approaches.

G: Yes, so as a general rule, what is your recommended approach or strategy for women who are not married, yet not single?

S: Wow, you're good. Are you a lawyer?

G: No. But I want to take up law.

S: Whatever. Anyway, since you asked the right question, I shall give you a specific answer. For cases such as the one you just mentioned, the strategy I would use, if I were in your position, would be The Jason Bourne Method.

G: Jason Bourne method? Like Mark Wahlberg-Jason Bourne?

S: That's not Mark Wahlberg. That's Matt Damon.

G: Oh...but they do look alike.

S: I know, right...Anyway, so you've seen the Bourne Trilogy?

G: Yes, sir.

S: Okay, so just remember the titles of the film in the order they were released...do you remember?

G: I think so. Is it Bourne Identity, Bourne Ultimatum, then Bourne...Supremacy?

S: No, it's Identity, Supremacy, then Ultimatum. Remember those words, a'ight?

G: Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum...Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum...

S: You don't have to repeat it, I'll explain it to you.

G: Okay.

S: First: Identity. You need to establish your identity. And your identity is: you are Number 2. The boyfriend is Number 1. That's why he carries the title, "The Boyfriend". So in everything you do, always remember that you are just Number 2. You are not Number 1. Do not make the mistake of claiming the Number 1 position, because you will lose the girl in an instant.

G: Okay, establish identity...

S: I said don't repeat it! Write it down if you want. Okay, so second is Supremacy. Once you've accepted the fact that you are Number 2, you must now declare your bid for supremacy. You will now compete with ze boyfriend for ze Number 1 spot. How you do that is up to you. Be creative.

G: Okay...

S: Don't repeat it!

G: I wasn't going to repeat it! I just said "Okay".

S: Okay, sorry. Well, do I need to explain the last? The third is Ultimatum. You give her an ultimatum. Like a direct ultimatum, properly worded to avoid any vagueness or ambiguity. You tell her, "You can either 1) choose to make me your new Number 1; or 2) you can stay with your current Number 1 but lose me as Number 2."

G: Wow. That's like really cool.

S: And the thing is, in case you fail to become the new Number 1, there will be no shame or dishonor. As long as you follow the Bourne Method to the letter. You put up a good fight for supremacy, and if you fail to win her heart after delivering the ultimatum, you just walk away coolly. Like what David Caruso does in CSI: Miami. Just walk away. Deep in your heart, you know that you put up a good battle. You know it, and she knows it.

G: Wow. Thanks, Shaman. I heard you were great at giving advice, but I wasn't expecting something like that. Excellent advice, sir.

S: High-five. But please, as much as possible, go for the single ladies! Even if you succeed in conquering the Number 1 spot, there will be consequences, believe me. There will be consequences.

G: Thank you again, Shaman.

S: You're welcome. That's five hundred, please.


*You can email The Shaman for any questions you might have about anything in the universe. The more complicated, the better.