Confused Cousin

I got this letter from someone today.

hey shaman,

story is like this. i have a cousin (female) and i love her so much (as a cousin of course). years ago (high school), she was in a relationship with a guy, they lasted for almost five years (till college), the guy's her first fuck, first kiss i think, first love, whatever. then before the end of the relationship, my cousin got pregnant, but both decided not to continue the pregnancy, so the baby was aborted. it was the most depressing part of my cousin's life.

months after the abortion, she called me and said she wants to live with me here in manila, get a job, forget about the guy and the baby (she broke up with the guy na). i agreed.

while working here in manila, she met a guy, love at first sight mode, courting for some time, then its official, they both love each other, despite my cousin having once-in-a-while depression mode coz of the past with ex-bf and lost baby, sometimes she's crying to me, and its hard to witness those stuffs.

after a few months of being official, she got pregnant again, with the bf na, and they got married, now the baby's 3 years old (girl). husband is working in bulacan while my cousin and the baby is staying in nueva ecija. husband visits them once in a while.

now, ex bf comes back to town. they got connected once again. and the ex guy invited her to meet him. she agreed and they went private. they kissed, cried together (coz i think they still love each other), but cousin said they didn't fuck. guy wants her back. but she said she's happy with her life now, with a wonderful husband and kid. but she texted me last night like she was tormented like hell.

i gave her my liberal advice. but im not sure if its the right one. thats why im emailing you. haha. this is just great. hope to hear from you soon.

best,
[name withheld upon request]

First of all, you might have a problem with your Shift or Caps Lock key, since the entire letter contains no upper-case characters. Anyway...


Your cousin should learn the law of karma. When people hear the word "karma", what they usually think it means is "if you do something bad to someone, then something bad will also happen to you". But that is not the exact meaning of karma.

Karma means that every action you do will have repercussions. And those repercussions magnify exponentially the more people are involved with your action.

So your cousin is presented with two choices: to stay with her husband, or to go with her ex. Now let's analyze both choices according to their repercussions. But first, let's identify all the parties involved.

1. Your cousin;
2. Her husband;
3. Her  daughter; and
4. Her ex

Okay. Now let's analyze the repercussions.

First scenario: She stays with her husband.

• The husband will remain a happily-married man, and he will get to provide a good life for both his wife and his daughter.
• The daughter will grow up with both parents intact, enjoying the care and affection of a loving father and a loving mother.
• The ex will be saddened for a little while, but he will survive, just as he survived the entire period since they broke up until the time he came back into your cousin's life.

Second scenario: She leaves her husband to join the ex.

• The husband will be heart-broken, and he will hate your cousin for the rest of his life. He might also give your cousin a hard time when it comes to legal matters, such as annulment and child custody proceedings, for instance.
• The daughter will grow up with a broken family. She will have strained relations with her father, and an even worse relation with her future stepfather.
• The ex will be hated by her daughter and her husband, and possibly by her family and friends. 

There. Your cousin can come up with other repercussions for both scenarios. Then she should weigh all these repercussions against each other, and choose wisely based on logic rather than emotion.

And one final piece of advice: once she makes her choice, she should stick with it, and accept whatever repercussions come her way.

Bridges

i have a great crush on this person .. and i found out that he has a crush on my friend that is very special to me .. and he asks me if i could help him to get close to my special friend .. what will i do ?? it hurts me so much :'(

Well, if it hurts you so much, then I don't think it's just a crush. You're probably in love with that person.

So your question is, "what will i do"... I don't like to force you to "do this" or "do that". That would be pretty imposing. Instead, I shall pretend that your question is, "if you were me, what would you do?"

Okay, if I were you, I would say this to your great crush: "Listen, asking me to help you is not a good thing, since I myself have this huge crush on you, and helping you would result in a conflict of interests. Therefore, I shall have to inhibit myself." Not only does it make you sound lawyerly, it shows that you have confidence, and are not ashamed to admit something as petty as a crush (unless of course, it is more than a crush).

Here's another thing you can do: You crush is actually asking you to act as a bridge, or "tulay". This now gives you an enormous advantage, as your crush will be calling and texting you, not your friend. Now, if you play your cards right, your crush will soon discover that his/her tulay is actually more interesting, smarter, more caring, funnier, sexier, hornier (and the list goes on) than your friend. Your crush will then slowly fall for you instead of your friend. I myself know of several instances where the tulay gets the guy/girl in the end.



*Another question from my formspring page.

What's with 2012?

Q: Dear Shaman, is it true that the world will end in 2012? 

It's supposed to be "IN 2012", not "at" -Grammar Police

A: Okay, seriously... a lot of people are concerned about the Mayan prophecy of 2012. End of the world, they say. Repent, the end is nigh.

First of all, the Mayans have no monopoly on correct prophecies. Other prophecies are also as trustworthy.

Second, the Mayans do not even mention anything about the end of the world, or death, or destruction even.

So what happens in 2012?

The winter solstice of 2012 will mark the end of the Mayan calendar. Thus ends one age, and another begins. The Mayan calendar, by the way, has a very long range. It spans millenia. This is because it counts the earth's biorhythm.

What's biorhythm, you ask? Break it down first. Bio + rhythm. Rhythm is a repetitive cycle. Bio is life. The female menstrual cycle is an example of biorhythm. The seasons are another example. And so on. And so forth.

The Earth is a living thing. Well, not exactly an organism in the cellular living thing-sense. But you get what I mean. Anyway, anything living has biorhythm. And the planet Earth is no exception. It just happened that we're alive and will get to witness, or feel, the biorhtym's pulse. (Un)lucky us? Who knows.

Well, if you're still a skeptic after hearing the biorhythm explanation, just read the papers. Earthquakes in Haiti. In Chile. And in the Philippines. Drastic changes in the weather. That's either biorhythm in action, or the end of the world. You choose. 

 

 

*pic from ticklemyfancy.tumblr.com

On Palmistry

Can you do palm reading? How can you tell if a palm reader is the real deal?

No, I never studied palm reading. You can tell if a palm reader is the real deal if he/she can also do other forms of divination aside from palm reading, such as reading tarot cards, tea leaves, and even animal entrails. Knowledge of other forms of divination will show that he/she is familiar with the basic concepts of divination, and is not limited to merely the lines on one's hands.



*This is one of the questions that have been asked on my formspring page, regarding the art of divination. 

Losing Your 3D Virginity

Q: Can I take my five year-old boy to watch Shrek 3D?

A: It's up to you. You're the parent.

Q: No, I mean, what is your expert opinion?

A: Wow, I'm flattered that you would think me an expert in 3D. Hehe. But I'm not. But I hope to be, if becoming one means getting an MTRCB Deputy card.

Anyway, if it were up to me...no.

Q: Why not?

A: Well, the primary question you have to answer is, "What makes Real D 3D a mind-blowing experience? The answer: It makes viewing more realistic by adding depth to flat, two-dimensional moving pictures. That doesn't mean that pictures don't have depth. They do. Check out this picture:

Now this picture may be two-dimensional, but it has depth. Maybe implied depth, but it does have it. That's because the viewer (you) knows that Puss is nearer to the camera, while Shrek is placed farther from the camera. In simpler terms, you have a sense of foreground, middleground, and background. And that is enough to create depth in the viewer's mind.

Real D 3D, however, creates depth not in the viewer's mind, but on the image itself, as projected onscreen. Your mind no longer processes or simulates depth from the information it receives, because it is already given depth at the onset. Depth is in fact being spoon-fed to you.

Now to your child, all of this matters not. To him, a regular movie and a 3D movie are the same. Yes, he may sense something different with the viewing, but that's about as far as it'll go. Because to your child, the movie in his head is more realistic than any Real D 3D flick. All he need is a stimulus.

When your kid watches a movie, he sees it in his head as 4D, or 5D even. To him, even the smell of the place is there. And even emotion. When a monster screams, the kid cringes. Because to him, the monster is real. And movie monsters are real enough to follow the kid all the way to his nightmares.

This seemingly magical trait is present in everybody, even adults, but only a select few can bring them out again. But this trait is present in all children. Real D 3D, I believe, was created for adults specifically to force this magical trait out of the adult system, buried under years of stress, problems, and earthly concerns. Now as long as your child still has this magical trait coming out of him naturally, you don't need to bring him to a 3D movie for him to have a 3D experience. You can just take him to a 2D movie, and he will have a 5D experience.

But again, you're the parent, so it's up to you.


*also published in Da Couch Tomato
pic from cinemablend.com

The Jason Bourne Method

GUY: Hi Shaman. I have a rather complicated question.

SHAMAN: Love-related?

GUY: Aah...yes...?

SHAMAN: I knew it. Go ahead.

GUY: There's this girl, who I really like. But she has a boyfriend.

SHAMAN: Stop right there.

GUY: Why?

SHAMAN: I do not encourage people to go break relationships. You are messing with really strong bonds there. That's like breaking molecular bonds. It will have effects, believe me. The status quo will be disrupted, blah-blah-blah, you know...

GUY: So you're not going to give me shamanic advice?

SHAMAN: Just one: Drop it. Like it's hot.

GUY: But I'm paying to hear your advice.

SHAMAN: Then I'll return your money.

GUY: But that's really unfair.

SHAMAN: Why is it unfair?

GUY: Because you haven't even heard the whole question.

SHAMAN: Okay fine. Shoot.

G: So, there's this girl I really like, who has a boyfriend, and---

S: How long have they been together?

G: I don't know...four years, I think? Or more.

S: Okay, continue...

G: So, there's this girl I really like---

S: Yes, we know that already.

G: Anyway, I was just wondering if there is any, you know, secret, or special technique, in making someone fall for you, if that someone is in a relationship?

S: No technique. They're all the same.

G: What, women?

S: Yes. Single, in a relationship, married...it's basically the same game. The objective is to capture her heart. Beating, if possible. No, I'm just kidding. The only thing that varies are the factors involved, and these factors are actually hurdles to achieving your goal.

G: So you're telling me that to win over a girl who has a boyfriend, I just court her as if she were single?

S: Well...you court her the way she must be courted. Different girls require diferent approaches.

G: Yes, so as a general rule, what is your recommended approach or strategy for women who are not married, yet not single?

S: Wow, you're good. Are you a lawyer?

G: No. But I want to take up law.

S: Whatever. Anyway, since you asked the right question, I shall give you a specific answer. For cases such as the one you just mentioned, the strategy I would use, if I were in your position, would be The Jason Bourne Method.

G: Jason Bourne method? Like Mark Wahlberg-Jason Bourne?

S: That's not Mark Wahlberg. That's Matt Damon.

G: Oh...but they do look alike.

S: I know, right...Anyway, so you've seen the Bourne Trilogy?

G: Yes, sir.

S: Okay, so just remember the titles of the film in the order they were released...do you remember?

G: I think so. Is it Bourne Identity, Bourne Ultimatum, then Bourne...Supremacy?

S: No, it's Identity, Supremacy, then Ultimatum. Remember those words, a'ight?

G: Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum...Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum...

S: You don't have to repeat it, I'll explain it to you.

G: Okay.

S: First: Identity. You need to establish your identity. And your identity is: you are Number 2. The boyfriend is Number 1. That's why he carries the title, "The Boyfriend". So in everything you do, always remember that you are just Number 2. You are not Number 1. Do not make the mistake of claiming the Number 1 position, because you will lose the girl in an instant.

G: Okay, establish identity...

S: I said don't repeat it! Write it down if you want. Okay, so second is Supremacy. Once you've accepted the fact that you are Number 2, you must now declare your bid for supremacy. You will now compete with ze boyfriend for ze Number 1 spot. How you do that is up to you. Be creative.

G: Okay...

S: Don't repeat it!

G: I wasn't going to repeat it! I just said "Okay".

S: Okay, sorry. Well, do I need to explain the last? The third is Ultimatum. You give her an ultimatum. Like a direct ultimatum, properly worded to avoid any vagueness or ambiguity. You tell her, "You can either 1) choose to make me your new Number 1; or 2) you can stay with your current Number 1 but lose me as Number 2."

G: Wow. That's like really cool.

S: And the thing is, in case you fail to become the new Number 1, there will be no shame or dishonor. As long as you follow the Bourne Method to the letter. You put up a good fight for supremacy, and if you fail to win her heart after delivering the ultimatum, you just walk away coolly. Like what David Caruso does in CSI: Miami. Just walk away. Deep in your heart, you know that you put up a good battle. You know it, and she knows it.

G: Wow. Thanks, Shaman. I heard you were great at giving advice, but I wasn't expecting something like that. Excellent advice, sir.

S: High-five. But please, as much as possible, go for the single ladies! Even if you succeed in conquering the Number 1 spot, there will be consequences, believe me. There will be consequences.

G: Thank you again, Shaman.

S: You're welcome. That's five hundred, please.


*You can email The Shaman for any questions you might have about anything in the universe. The more complicated, the better.

On Facial Hair

Q: Hi Shaman, I just have a really quick question.

I'm one of those guys who are blessed with just the right amount of facial hair. I can grow a mean goatee. Now my problem is, I look good with or without a goatee. Now what should I do to impress, you know, the ladies? Should I grow it, or shave it? Thanks.


A: When it comes to the ladies, it's fifty-fifty. Some women like facial hair, others don't. It depends on the woman.

So, if you want to find out what you should do based on that particular lady, ask her this: "Hi, have you seen the movie Lord of the Rings?" Most likely, she will have seen it, so follow it up by asking: "Legolas, or Aragorn?"

If she chooses Aragorn, then she likes the manly, scruffy type, complete with the dirt on the fingernails. So grow your goatee. And if she chooses Legolas, then lose the facial hair, dude.

You could also use a more contemporary example, like "Tony Stark or Bruce Wayne?" But if she's geeky enough to know Iron Man and Batman, then she definitely knows Aragorn and Legolas.